In which we see why Ammon is too biased to be a pollster.

I really shouldn't be up at 2 am posting blogs, but I'm just about done with a paper I'm writing and I found out that only 22% of Mormons believe in evolution, fewer even than evangelical christians.  I'll probably talk about my feelings another day, but I'm curious:

*Someone asked what I meant by evolution. I just copied my facebook response,

What I really mean is what most scientists mean when referring to evolution: the idea that primarily through random mutation and natural selection (into which I'm grouping sexual selection and some other things) all the diversity of life seen on earth gradually came to be from common ancestry. Hopefully that doesn't change too many answers.

 For more on what I mean by evolution, check out the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.




(if you've already voted, you can see the results here.  But vote first!) 

Obviously my readership isn't even sort of representative of the church body, since lots of my friends who aren't Mormon's read my blog, and I suspect those people I know who are LDS are not exactly a representative sample.  I'm mostly just curious about the people I know, so lets see your 2 cents, and then I'll tell you later how I feel, as a budding mormon biologist, about evolution.

On bio-ethics, sacrifice, and facebook ettiquite.

In bioethics, we were discussing thought experiments and doing some, which is always fun.  One of them was what we would be willing to do, if asked by religious authority (ranging from second councilor to God himself).

First of all, it worries me how many people would be willing to do apparently bad things because their second councilor, or bishop, or an apostle asked them to, because that's just not doctrinally sound reasoning.

It gets a little trickier when you're asked what you would do for God.

For example, if God asked you to kill your son, would you do it?  Most Mormons (and 100% of Abrahams) say yes. At least those in my bioethics class.  Hopefully this won't ever come up. But then our professor asked what if God asked you to kill your son but then told you that if you did, you would go to Hell for it.

It's still what he wants you to do, but you'll be punished for it.

That was a more interesting question, for a lot of reasons. Most of us said no.  (As it turned out I left my iClicker at home, so I didn't have to commit).  Why do we say no?  Doesn't that suggest we're really just motivated by getting our reward rather than doing what God asks us to?  Or does it suggest there's a higher good that supersedes what God asks.  Obviously, setting up impossible hypothetical scenarios sometimes leads to issues. (I believe God is good, and so I hope that if he did ask me to do something so directly, it would be good, and so forcing it to be bad makes it sort of difficult, which is the point, of course. I've been reading through the Old Testament recently.  A lot of stuff seems pretty bad on the surface, so it's hard to say.)

This is sort of all over the place, we'll see where this goes.

This brings me to tonight.  So I'm sitting here, reading through facebook, and I see this:

Let me tell you why this is everything that hurts me.

First of all, I think reposts on Facebook are the worst, always.  As a rule, I don't post anything that asks me to repost it, even if it's something I agree with.
Second, I think this is just a superstitious chain letter masked as something faith building in order to be more popular.
Third, I think this sort of "test" is superstitious and not conducive to real faith.
Finally, I think the design is a little extremely tacky.   It's not even in comic-sans!

So I was reading this, thinking about how I didn't like it, and then I thought, "But what if it were true, maybe I should post it.  Why not?"
And I said to myself, "because it's tacky and everything I hate."
But then I thought, "What if God wanted you to post it?"
And then I said, "Well yeah, of course, but I don't think that God wants me to post something that is tacky and I hate."

And then I went back on forth on it for a while, and it became this sort of deeper issue of if I'm willing to sacrifice my pride and whether I'm capable of doing so, and how much I care what people think of me, and if I'm actually willing to do things I don't want to for God, and whether or not we should expect to have to sacrifice things, even things that are central to who we are.

Eventually rational thinking took over:
I thought to myself, if I do, and nothing happens, then I can say, "See!  It's tacky and unsound and I don't have to do stupid things on facebook as some sort of test of faith."

And if something were to happen, then my life is better!  and that's cool. (This is sort of a reductio ad absurdum of Pascal's Wager.)  Regardless, I can say, "Look, I'm a Perkes, and Perkes can do hard things."  And then I can make a blog post about it and ask people what their thoughts were.

And that's how I slipped from my impression of myself.  

So there you have it. I still don't think there's any real value in ill-conceived, barely religious posts on facebook, nor do I think I had to post that for some divine reason, but I'm not sure whether or not there is real value in doing things we don't want to, if only to teach ourselves how.  And I'm wondering in what ways sacrifice is an important element of religion, and whether it needs to be hard to be powerful.

Any thoughts, mysterious* readers?

*I have almost no idea who reads my blog, I see that lots of people do, including many from other countries. Let me know who you are, mysterious russian audience.  дайте мне знать, кто вы, загадочной русской аудитории.


Afterward:
So I wrote this whole post between 11am and 1am, amidst some other things I was doing, as such it is one of my less careful posts and I may have been a little out of it for a lot of the time I spent writing, but I don't want to edit it too much because I think it captures what I was thinking pretty well, maybe better than most.  Here is some good context that I think helps:

If you don't know me fairly well you probably won't understand why this was such a big deal for me. It really does go against almost every instinct I have.  The thing is, I care far too much about what people think of me, especially on the internet (you probably do too).  Which is, I think, why posting this appealed to me in a strangle, slightly masochistic, or more accurately ascetic sense.  We I care so much about what people think that the thought of doing something which disrupts the normal flow (on facebook or in public) is nearly painful.  Posting that was much harder for me than giving away money, or time, or vice; I do that sort of thing all the time, it's practically second nature.  Heights and depths and animals and pain and death have never really scared me much, but social judgement always has.

I'm not saying everyone should go post annoying things on facebook because it will make you better (most people already post annoying things on facebook, and the rest of you are what give me hope for the world), but I think it might be worth considering what it is we're afraid of, what it is that we can't give up, or can't do, and give it a try.

PS - On review of my somewhat hasty post, I realized it could be fairly offensive.  If anyone actually posted that (or something like it) with good intentions and is now incredibly offended, I'm really quite sorry; that certainly wasn't my intent.  I'm sort of particular and judgmental sometimes usually, and I tend to articulate small things so that they sound like a big deal, you probably shouldn't take it too seriously.  You just keep doing what you're doing. I'll be over here figuring out my life.  

Love, Loss, and Moving On: Discoveries of a 20-something Robot

It seems like everyone around me is either getting married or getting over some sort of heartbreak (it is the season after all), and I've been thinking about doing this for a while, but I've put it off for many reasons.  First, because it all seemed so emo while I was in the midst of it; second because I'm still not sure if I want to tell everyone on the internet about my feelings (my thoughts, clearly, are fair game); and finally, and probably most significantly, a lot of the people involved are still in my life and read my blog, so it's a little strange.  But it's a slow afternoon and I thought it would make for some interesting writing. . . However, after working on this post for a few days, it turns out I have nothing very insightful or profound to say on the subject, other than to express how surprised I was to discover that I was not immune to such feelings.  Instead, here are three songs that express it all pretty well, in chronological order:


Coldplay - 'Till Kingdom Come

(I tried to find one by ok go for unity, but I couldn't, this is fantastic though.  I aspire to be this effectively awkward)

OK GO - Needing, Getting

OK GO - This Too Shall Pass

Life of Pi and choosing to believe, a book report.

A very good friend suggested that I write in my blog yesterday.  After talking about a bunch of things, and thinking about a few topics, and rejecting most of them as being far too emo, I decided to talk about Life of Pi, aka, Big Fish pt. II

A few weeks ago I discovered Life of Pi and decided it was one of the best things to ever happen to me, and I posted on facebook something to effect that those who said it was about a boy lost at sea with a tiger had completely missed the point.  This opened me up to some discussions about what it did mean.  (Incidentally, this made me miss some of my more profoundly thinking friends who have slipped out of my life of late, and who would have talked for hours on what it meant, but that is perhaps the topic of another post) With that in mind, I thought I'd do something new and exciting, at least in the realm of this blog: A book report.

Calling it a book report is, perhaps, generous, since there will be few citations and I'm blatantly ignoring many of the themes in favor of postulating on the most overt allegory of the book, the final choice between two competing stories.  And since there are lots of people online who can explain to you what it means, and because I'm not a particularly creditable literary critic, I thought it would be more interesting to discuss what it means to me (by the way, here there be spoilers, if you haven't read the Life of Pi, read on at your own risk): 

“So tell me, since it makes no factual difference to you and you can't prove the question either way, which story do you prefer? Which is the better story, the story with animals or the story without animals?' Mr. Okamoto: 'That's an interesting question?' Mr. Chiba: 'The story with animals.' Mr. Okamoto: 'Yes. The story with animals is the better story.' Pi Patel: 'Thank you. And so it goes with God.” 

Some time ago I made a post about why I believed in God, and how ultimately it came down to a choice, that that is who I wanted to be.  I've thought a bit more about that recently in the context of the Life of Pi.  It shouldn't be surprising that the Life of Pi appeals to me as a deeply, if quietly, religious person who is studying Biology and plans to be a scientist.  I've lived most of my life in the conflict and overlap that exists between science and religion. 

At the end of the book we are presented with an alternate story, a darker, simpler, and perhaps more believable story of how he and a couple others were stuck on a life boat, how the one cannibilized the others and was ultimately killed by Pi, who then drifted to Mexico.  When watching the movie, the choice between the two stories is even more difficult, since the first was less developed, and so less believable, and the second was said more emotionally that I had imagined in the book.  But in any case we are given a choice, between "dry, yeastless, factuality" and a beautiful story, one that's slightly impossible, but actually means something.  

I'm Mormon, which is important context of my story.  We, Mormons, typically have a somewhat scientific view of religious truth: that there is one and only one real story and explanation, we know what it is, and we know it through personal experience and experimentation.  Although there may be questions, that's more a question of things we don't yet know than things we can't know, and we tend to minimize conflicting views in favor of the larger consensus.  That coupled with an instinctive trust in authority and the published works, a focus on study and learning, and the danger of becoming dismissive of those who disagree with us make this comparison surprisingly apt.  

To Mormons, and really to me, and to scientists, the idea that what actually happened doesn't matter is appalling.  How could it not matter? That's the "Truth"!  But more and more I've realized that this idea is wrong in the context of religion (and only mostly right in the context of science).  The fact is that we don't really know everything.  I tread lightly here, because I don't want to offend, and I definitely don't want to be misunderstood.  In the LDS church, we habitually say things like "I know that God lives".  We emphasize our knowledge, and how we know, and that's not necessarily wrong.  But I think we do faith a disservice if we reject the idea that, deep down, to believe is a choice.  (And if we believe that belief is required for salvation, doesn't it have to be our choice?)

And that's really the point, we feel that if we're choosing to believe something it somehow cheapens it, it means that it's not really True, it's just a belief.  I don't think that's correct.  I think the fact that at the base of our faith is a decision, not an event, makes a much more solid foundation, and a much more intellectually honest position from which to build towards knowledge.  Anyway, I don't want this to turn into a criticism of Mormon culture, not because I don't want to criticize Mormon culture, but because I don't want to write my blog to only people interested in Mormon Culture; ask me about it sometime, I have more to say about this.  

To return to the Life of Pi, in all things, we have a choice.  There are competing explanations for many things; those who reject science because they don't think it can adequately explain the earth don't adequately understand science.  The simple fact is we can choose which story we want to believe.  And since we don't know, and it doesn't necessarily change the facts of existence, why not choose the story with meaning, the one that makes you happy? 

There are lots of other things in the Life of Pi worth talking about that I haven't discussed here.  It's unfortunate that I never got around to reading this book last year when I was ostensibly in a book club.  If you haven't read it (even if you've watched the movie), you should.  I focussed on this because, as I said, it's sort of at the core of my life, but I think everyone can find something that really speaks to them.  

In case you're curious, here are some other topics I considered, and am still considering, for my blog, most of which I rejected because they sounded like something I would have written a decade ago:
-Summer, work, and recreation, why a 9 to 5 job would (and possibly will) break me
-Love and Heartbreak, discoveries of a 20-something robot
-Selling the piano: an metaphor for moving on
-Dating and Marriage, pt 2: What the older generation has missed in their well intentioned push to get us married. 

My inner child is rather crafty

I'm not quite sure what to do with this post, but sometimes I realize that I'm subconsciously surrounding myself with reflections of my subconscious. For your psychoanalysis, some of my favorite things (based primarily on my decorations:)

Calvin and Hobbes
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Einstein on a Bike
M.C. Escher
Van Gogh
The Life of Pi (not a decoration, but a book I just finished that's currently next to me)
The Little Prince (not yet a decoration, but it's my go to favorite book and I bought it in french some time ago with the intention of turning it into decoration, or learn enough french to read it, whichever comes first)

Maybe if I have time I'll figure out what it all says about me.  I was especially struck by the similarities in Calvin, Pi, and the little prince, all of whom had orange, wild animals which they tamed.  Anyway, I'll flush this out a bit more later.

This I believe

A month or so ago I got into why I believe, but I didn't really talk at all about what I believe.  I also found out (via the handy search function) that I've only mentioned 'God' once in my entire blog, which was in said post.  Considering the God and religion are sort of a big deal in my life, that seems odd.  So I decided to rectify that.  Also, I'm a sucker for people inviting me to do stuff (really, just try!  If it's not bad, I'll probably do it).  So, in true NPR style, 

This I believe: 

I believe in people

People are amazing.  They are good and loving and heroic and imperfect and willing to reach out and help someone because that is what we do.  The world may be horrific at times, and people are imperfect always, but I have never met someone without value and a deep longing for something great, and a willingness to help those the love.  

I believe in fun

Life is sort of incredible, isn't it?  Sure I'm a privileged American who can set off on adventures at the drop of a hat, but I think life should be profoundly enjoyable.  The fact that so many people don't understand that is a tragedy, the fact that so many people don't have the opportunity to enjoy life is an outrage.  I think my blog has shown my thoughts on a happy life quite clearly, so I'll leave it at that.  

I believe in hope

I'm not really sure what to say about this, only that I think hope is our last, best defense against a horrible life.  It is the "anchor of our souls".  But it's also the sail: it allows us to keep moving towards something great and hold on when life is something awful.  Things will be wonderful, I really believe they will.  

I believe in Truth

Even after all my questions, all my doubts, all the ways you can rationalize it and explain it, I believe that there is Truth, with a capital T.  And I think that this truth is attainable to us as humans.  The pursuit of truth is the purpose of the majority of what I do in my life.  

I believe in God

I really, truly do.  There aren't a lot of things in life I can say from personal experience, but I can say from personal experience that there is more to life than what we see: That God exists.  You may chalk it up to coincidence, fallacy, or psychology, but I have felt the love of God in my life.  I have received answers to my questions, I have been protected from danger, in more ways than can fit succinctly in this post.  I believe in Jesus Christ, not just as a man but as a Savior and a source of peace.  I have felt great comfort in times of great trials, and great peace after the burden of regret and guilt.  God is more than a fable or a tradition, He lives, in that he feels and cares and acts and loves each of us.  I believe that because I've felt it and seen it in my life, and it's one of the last things I can fall back on, when everything else fails.

I believe in revelation

I think everyone can know for themselves. Not just what is true but also what they should do in life, the answers to their questions and direction in their decisions.  I think religion is a profoundly personal endeavor for Truth, and I believe that there is one source of Truth, and that if anyone really searches they will end up at the same place, even if the path is a bit different for each person.  I do believe in my church, and I believe it's True.  By this I don't believe it's perfect in every way, and I don't think it's the only place to come close to God, or be good, or find purpose.  I believe it's the best place to find those things, and that it's God's.  It may seem deeply conceited to say that there is one church that is comparatively more true, and that I'm a member of it, and it may sound insane to believe that God can talk to us, but that's what all my experiences have led me to believe.  You're welcome to discover that for yourself, I'll talk to you about it, and I spent two years learning not to try to convince people of it. All this to say, I think we can find answers from God if we look.  If I didn't, I doubt I'd be in any church.  

I believe in science.

I really, truly do.  I think that science is the very best way to understand how the world works.  I don't think the truths of science and religion are of different value, only of different method.  I believe in evolution and plate tectonics and fossils and dinosaurs, and that's never been a big conflict for me.  I believe God created the earth, and if you want to know how, science is the place to look.  A god who gave us such a magnificent ability for reason and deduction would expect us to use that, not to ignore it.  I think really understanding the world brings us closer to understanding God, and those who reject science based on perceived conflicts do Him and themselves a disservice 

Einstein said,

"every one who is seriously engaged in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that the laws of nature manifest the existence of a spirit vastly superior to that of men, and one in the face of which we with our modest powers must feel humble. The pursuit of science leads therefore to a religious feeling of a special kind, which differs essentially from the religiosity of more naive people."  

It bothers me when people quote famous people to lend ethos to statements with which said persons would disagree, so it's worth noting that Einstein was not a huge fan of organized religion, and I think it would be disingenuous to posthumously quote him as one. Although I imagine Einstein would disagree with my belief in a personal and active God, he describes quite nicely my feeling in regards to the connection between science and religion.  

While on the subject of Einstein, turns out he also said this: 

"If one purges the Judaism of the Prophets and Christianity as Jesus Christ taught it of all subsequent additions, especially those of the priests, one is left with a teaching which is capable of curing all the social ills of humanity."

That's the fundamental idea behind the LDS church.  By Einstein. And that's pretty cool, but again, as much as I love him, I doubt Einstein would be Mormon if he were around.  I couldn't find any reliable quotes by Einstein on the LDS church, so I'm not sure how he felt.  Anyway I digress.  

I believe that there are answers to every question

There is no place for deliberate ignorance in religion or science.  There are things we do not yet know, and coming to terms with that is necessary to function in either.  There might be things that we won't know in our lives, but given enough time and determination I think every question can be answered, in one way or another.  I think the pursuit of these answers is one of the most worthy endeavors in life.  I don't think it's the most worth endeavor.

I believe in Love (♪ doo do do do doooo ♫  ) 

More than truth, I think people are the most important thing in life.  I have known wonderful people who have wholesome lives without caring about God.  I have never know a wonderful or wholesome person who didn't care about people, and while the former may be sad, the latter is dangerous and depressing.  I believe that everyone if they really want can find Love in this life, and I think that's the best pursuit there is.  Love, like higher truth, can be explained as chemical and psychological and socially constructed, but I don't think that makes it any less real or worthwhile.  Both English and Portuguese lack the proper descriptive ability to express all the different ideas in love, which I suppose is ok because it's led to some of the richest literature tradition around (why write a poem about romantic love if there's a word that describes is as separate for what one feels for a puppy?)  This is not the place to talk all about love, but I believe that Love is the source and object of all true religious belief.

So that's what I believe.  I've never been the most outspoken when it comes to my beliefs, probably from some combination of humility, fear, and not wanting to offend or impose, but if you came all this way, and you're still curious, ask me about it, this isn't really an exhaustive list anyway.  It's been a long time since I've gone around knocking on doors trying to find people willing to listen to me about my beliefs, but I do still like talking about them.

My blog has really taken a turn for the reflective and profound.  Maybe I can step back a bit and talk about all the super fun things that are going on.  Maybe I can do that another day.  

An eclectic mash-up of my eclectic thoughts:

At the moment, if I could be a superhero, I would like to be the Batman of insurance; fighting injustice, punishing ill doers, eliminating corrupt and inefficient institutions, and threatening people who park illegally in bike lanes on snowy nights.  Actually that last one still stands:  Don't park illegally in bike lanes.  I will hunt you down and dent your car, kamikaze style.

Having summer free is substantially less fun if the majority of people you want to spend summer with are always busy working or taking classes.  Having summer free is substantially more fun than being always busy working or taking classes.

Sometimes, the world has a way of encouraging procrastination, like when you put off calling the ambulance billing lady for an hour while reading xkcd because $1000 is scary, and then it turns out she's out of town until tuesday.

And there's this.  Read into it as you will.

Note: Although you're still free to take it as you will, I just want
clarify that this isn't a cryptic revelation that I'm dating someone.
People were jumping to conclusions, sorry for the misunderstanding
You may now carry on with your life.